WORLD LAW: Tom Clancy Needs To Go On A Waterslide And Eat Cotton Candy

agent b on April 2nd, 2008

Dude, you’ve been writing war novels and slapping your name on gun-hungry video games since The Hunt For Red October in 1984, take a fucking vacation. Do you sleep in a fighter jet bed, bathe in bullets and make love to a ballistic missile when Ms. Clancy is out antique hunting for World War II memorobillia? I know Ubisoft owns your soul, but over 40 war loving video games have been released under your moniker since you made it known that you war in your pants every time you hear the word “war.” I haven’t checked Toys R Us today but i’m sure Tom Clancy’s Shoot People Somewhere and Tom Clancy Detonates An Orphanage Because He Can just hit the racks. Tom, you’re like Yosemite Sam, Snidely Whiplash and Boris & Natasha piled into one jelly roll of a man except your obsessive weapons of choice aren’t cartoon bombs and shotguns, they’re real ones.

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Warning: Cigarettes And Video Games Kill Kids

agent b on March 27th, 2008

Confused and misguided political figures around the world are up to their usual bag of anti-gaming bullshit, threatening everyone from developers to awkward retail clerks over potentially violent video games. Not content that mature games are blatantly labeled “Mature” with a giant M on the box and the word “Mature” written underneath in bold text, the Prime Minister has proposed that video games get cigarette-style health warning stickers, too. Yeah, like I needed any more ugly, sticky shit to peel off my games when my cheap-ass buys them used.

I’m all for the warning labels, though, they won’t affect my buying habits. I look old enough to rarely get carded for liquor, let alone mature video games. Most cashiers just assume I rolled directly out of a cardboard box and into their store after trading my ID for a magical peyote adventure under a bridge. I should probably shave. But why limit the warning labels to just violent games? I’ve been buying games since the mid eighties and a lot of these things could’ve used a cautionary explanation on the box, regardless of their ratings.

And because i’m nice, here’s a few to get them started:

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