Animal Crossing City Folk Citizens Launch Neighborhood Crime Watch

the -minus world on November 20th, 2008

While the Animal Crossing community is abuzz with this week’s release of City Folk and what it will bring to the commonwealth, inhabitants have bound together to form a preemptive network determined to collectively protect each other from potential crimes. The hopeful street gazers promise to keep the streets, rivers, beaches and woods safe from harm and corruption by issuing a weekly newsletter detailing recent events to look out for, and The Minus World was fortunate enough to secure a copy for our loyal readers.

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Krappy Kidz Korner - Hannah Montana World Tour

Rob Nausea on October 23rd, 2008

(This is Rob’s worst nightmare.)

Having kids of your own has a lot of benefits: You’ve always got someone to fetch you an ice cold beer from the fridge, there is no better scape-goat for failed shop-lifting attempts, and kids are the perfect ice-breaker with hot broads at the local park. There is however, one god-awful downside that they neglect to mention when you sign up for unplanned parenthood - shitty games.

Sure, the young ‘uns are happy enough to sit by and watch me play Super Mario Galaxy, but sooner or later they want to have a turn and always suck at it. If you have boys, they will be able to destroy you at any game once they hit the age of seven, but in my case, I have two daughters - aged six and three - so it’s a whole different ballgame.

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A Giant, Tangled Pile Of Minimalist Design Aesthetic

agent b on September 22nd, 2008

Remember when Nintendo jacked Apple’s whole marketing steez and promoted sleek simplicity, clean minimalism and sought to reduce decades of progressively bloated video game controller madness into a simple white wand? Well, my coffee table doesn’t. It’s too busy being suffocated by a veritable gangbang of cables, failed shell peripherals and awkward, idiotic controller jackets. Sure, some of them are beautiful game enhancing goodness (Classic Controller, how I love thee), but mostly it’s just one big insult to the imagination. I think by now we’re all pretty accustomed to pretending video game controllers are steering wheels or guns; we don’t need clunky plastic shells to help bridge our brains to the on-screen madness, especially when they don’t look anything like their real-life counterparts.

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WORLD LAW: Ayo Gramps, Take It Down A Notch

agent b on September 18th, 2008

Video games vs. old people: a once divided battle between forward thinking technology and xenophobic, bedwetting confusion has finally come to a close. As much as I’m all for gaming’s rapidly aging expanding userbase, the potential death risk of these active ancestors flailing controllers in the air wildly is not worth the loss of our nation’s coveted resource of delusional and decrepit fossils posing as human beings. If they were eradicated, no one would go to the Olive Garden at 9 AM to order dinner. Crossword puzzles would go unsolved. Solitaire would play itself. The Price Is Right would be canceled. So it’s with great caution that we collectively realize that the Wii’s wildly sporadic, wand waggling pre-corpse party excuse just might hold the power to systematically destroy every single senior citizen on earth.

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Nintendo Announces Nintendo Infinity S

Kent on September 15th, 2008

Are you ready for Nintendo’s most immersive gaming experience yet? Welcome to the Nintendo Infinity S, the gaming console/protective body suit of the future!

Simply slip on the stylus finger-gloves, don the helmet to engage dozens of virtual touchscreens, insert the Nintendo Game Needle directly into the base of your spine, and you’re ready to go! Connect with friends and give vocal commands through the tiny microphone implanted in your new false tooth (hand-installed by our crack team of Nigerian dentists!)

And best of all, the Nintendo Game Needle engages directly with your central nervous system, sending signals to sensitive pressure points throughout your body. Empathize with your Pokémon like never before, feeling each scratch, punch, and bruise as they slowly lose consciousness.

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Hillcrest Labs Remote-Control Developer Sues Nintendo Over Wii

Tony Sadowski on September 4th, 2008

Remote-Control Developer Sues Nintendo Over Wii

Remote-control technology licensing company Hillcrest Labs has filed a lawsuit against Nintendo, claiming the popular Wii console violates some of its patents.

“While we have a great deal of respect for Nintendo and the Wii, Hillcrest Labs
wants a shit ton of money believes that Nintendo is in clear violation of its patents and has taken this action to protect its intellectual-property rights,” Hillcrest said in a statement.

And now, plenty of others are following Hillcrest’s lead and attempting to squeeze untold riches out of Nintendo protecting their intellectual property.

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“Nintendogs Wii” Killer Pet Sim, Kills UR Pets

jasper on September 3rd, 2008

Plankinstanc, Connecticut - With the obviously upcoming release of Nintendo’s mega franchise Nintendogs for the Wii console, the domestic animal death toll is predicted to rise sharply. Packed with the patented Nintendogs Collar-mote & Nun-bone, players get to experience all the excitement of owning a dog without the embarrassment of being featured on When Animals Attack.

Neil Gimberwitz, from Kimpercall, Connecticut chimes in, “I bought a dog thinking it would help me score a lay. Instead, it turned into a poor, needy, unshaven girlfriend who would chew a hole through your car stereo if you locked her in there with the windows rolled up. Do yourself a favor and find a kennel that doesn’t ask any questions and a copy of Nintendogs immediately.”

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Plusses and Minuses: LostWinds

Massouken on September 1st, 2008

Have you ever wanted to control the wind? Probably not, since it’s a rather silly superpower. While your pal Ned Tedward is able to shoot electricity out of his pupils as he masquerades as the “Electric Eyeballer,” you’d be stuck as the “Wind Wizard,” using your “powers” to rustle trees and spin pinwheels. However, the ability to manipulate the wind can be a lot better than it initially sounds. Board up the windows - LostWinds (WiiWare) breezes through like a hurricane this week.

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Link: Hero Or Menace?

Ben Goins on August 26th, 2008

Artwork by: Tyler Bronis

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Nintendo, I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down

Toe Fu on August 26th, 2008

Remember Kanye West went on that televised Hurricane Katrina fundraiser, carefully crafted his thoughts and then eloquently stated that George Bush doesn’t care about black people? Then Mike Meyers went all cross-eyed and opened a lemonade stand in his pants…. priceless. After looking over Nintendo’s holiday season lineup I wouldn’t be surprised to see Lil’ Wayne at a Bernie Mac memorial declaring that Shigeru Miyamoto doesn’t care about hardcore gamers.
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