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Archive for the " World Law " Category
As Nintendo comfortably holds the top console sales spot in this current gaming generation, the battle for 2nd place is really heating up through decidedly chicken shit, bitchy attacks from the two remaining sides. Yeah, that’s right - modern warfare is apparently fought by pillaging the spoiled little brother of aggregate review sites like Gamerankings.com and bombarding the user reviews of upcoming competitor’s titles with low scores. Way to take it to the streets, dunny.
If you’re responsible for developing this:
an actual product on a system whose primary market share is comprised of non-smoking 9 year olds, then you should probably be playing this:
because you have no grasp of reality, demographics or the golden history from whence this great industry came. In short (and this will be short,) you’re doing it wrong and fucking things up for everyone. Please, for the love of gaming, stop.
Video games vs. old people: a once divided battle between forward thinking technology and xenophobic, bedwetting confusion has finally come to a close. As much as I’m all for gaming’s rapidly aging expanding userbase, the potential death risk of these active ancestors flailing controllers in the air wildly is not worth the loss of our nation’s coveted resource of delusional and decrepit fossils posing as human beings. If they were eradicated, no one would go to the Olive Garden at 9 AM to order dinner. Crossword puzzles would go unsolved. Solitaire would play itself. The Price Is Right would be canceled. So it’s with great caution that we collectively realize that the Wii’s wildly sporadic, wand waggling pre-corpse party excuse just might hold the power to systematically destroy every single senior citizen on earth.
As the coveted 4P spot holder of this year’s Presidential elections, Sarah Palin clearly should’ve purchased a strategy guide at the counter first. Since her announcement as John McCain’s vice presidential pick, her prior political experience (or lack thereof) has been in question by even the most conservative of critics. So it wasn’t too surprising when Gamepolitics revealed that despite being a mother, Palin has no track record with addressing video game issues. After all, when you live in a land of dangerously barren tundra, it’s probably easier to just cut right to the chase and hand your kid a gun.
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More: World Law, agent b, politic ditto
The inherent lazy gamer in me welcomed the concept of Gamefly, a seemingly innocuous snail mail service that lets you rent video games without having to wait behind a 46 year old man at Blockbuster holding Wild Things 3. Sit home, add a few games to your queue (fuck that word, by the way) and wait for them to arrive in your mailbox. Hooray! I was loving the service for a few days as I rampaged through a bunch of games I’d never pay full price for. But then, things started to get a little bit too heavy on the e-mail front. They mailed me every time a game came and went, which was nice, but then they mailed me to remind me the next day was a holiday. And then, how to handle a 360 disc properly. In total, I received 56 emails from them in just under 2 months. It just got to be too much, but even worse, it reminded me of the way a psycho ex-girlfriend acts.
Professional stupid motherf*cker/Sony PR talking head/Ridge Racer Kaz Hirai is triumphantly ecstatic with his consoles’ abysmal collection of non-exclusive games. So much so that he’d take a bullet before jumping at the chance to steal a game from a competitor’s system. Brilliant. His words are perfectly in tune with Sony bunk buddy Jack Tretton’s when he defiantly proclaimed that Sony doesn’t pay for console specific exclusive games. Or the balls-out-cockswangling that it takes to state that Sony can sell 5 million systems to their loyal sheep without even having any games. Did I hotlink your stupid browser to death yet? Great! Let’s pretend you didn’t click on any of that sh*t in order to eschew legitimate research in favor of blatant visual evidence:
Great way to go out, Kaz, but suicide can be less selfish than that. Why not turn your stubborn death into something we can all enjoy? Make it a game, you greedy lunatic! How so, they ask? Exactly how you’d envision it…
#5 - You Can’t See Sh*t
Beneath the pixelated hazy residue of last night’s marathon gaming session and the fact that blinding sunlight is piercing through your front windshield, operating a moving vehicle is hazardous and dangerous to the motivated, non gaming members of society surrounding you. They’re wearing suits and careening sleepily towards monuments of a collective progressive society. You’re just driving directly into the sun and gambling away the lives of both you and your ‘88 Chevy Cavalier.
Ciao friends!
Earlier today, Stallio make listen to Fuck A Police by innovate new rapping man N.W.H. While listen, I find great many similars to previous police altercate I encount in Italia. For example, when teenage in Italia also had owning of marginal gold increment and digitize page system communicator. How do else you think Stallio contact of so many lonely homewife! Ehhh? But Stallio also have many several bumping with strong law arm and even almost spend annual Corey The Indian Horse parade in make prison! So Stallio purchase Supremes Ruler for Personal Compute to make learn of American legal system and avoid doing serving of the hard time.
Ever been stuck in a game before? What did you do to get unstuck? If you answered “ran to the store and bought Apple Jacks” kindly put your entire head into the box and hold your breath. While you’re in there, silently read everything printed inside it. If luck is on my side and Apple Jacks currently has a marketing deal with the makers of Crash Bandicoot, you’ll be in there for a long time. Nobody has ever learned anything important from the corrugated inner fathoms of a cereal box, unless they were searching for the perpetually soul crushing chain of failure known as “Sorry! Please Try Again!” If “secret” cheats like “tap A to jump” and “collect fruit for health” actually up your game, you should try be aiming for bigger things in life. Like the window seat on your developmentally retarded school’s short bus.
Nope, we can chalk this one up to the fairly typical patterns of botched genetics and bad parenting. Estranged single mother/misinformed blogger/Reba Mcentire stunt double contest winner Rosie Millard posted a lovely, perpetually bullshit rant about how purchasing one DS for her four kids to fight over actually caused her four kids to fight over one DS. Shocking! Her thoughts on the video game industry as a whole are nostalgically still grouped under the single “Nintendo” moniker, as if her leather bomber jacket, acid washed jeans and hijacking of a 15 year old Sega advertising slogan weren’t reason enough to realize she’s trapped firmly in ’90’s idealisms.
I’m no parent myself (if I am, please leave your name in the comments section so I can delete you from my phone) but she seems to be doing a few things wrong here. First, there’s the aforementioned fact that she bought one “Nintendo” for all four of her rogue symbiotes to enjoy. Triumphantly retarded. Next, she bought them a My Little Pony game. This alone would cause uprise in at least half of her wretched little hell beasts. To top things off, she then brags about how she even tricked one of them into getting a haircut by letting her bring the DS, all the while failing to suggest that it’s the least she can do for forcing her orange offspring to look like trollish little clones of herself, akin to an evil redheaded homage to Village of the Damned.
