Dysentery: Still A Huge Epidemic For ‘Oregon Trail’ Travelers

agent b on June 9th, 2008

Better marry a doctor before caulking your wagon across Oregon this summer.

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Cheat Codez: How To Make Your Child Violent Without The Use Of Violent Video Games

agent b on May 7th, 2008

Today’s Cheat Code comes courtesy of jezuzfreek777 (a web handle that proves that hypnotized religious worship and bad spelling can have a gay marriage on a commercial airplane)

Parents just don’t understand Grand Theft Auto IV. Statistically, though, things tend to get a bit obfuscated when said parents believe humanity began in a magical garden with a talking snake who lurked in a tree of forbidden knowledge. If Dad isn’t able to tell the difference between reality and a book of fictional stories, maybe he fears Junior will find similar blind guidance in other forms of fictional media, i.e video games. Nevermind that religion has historically been the most violent thing in the history of our species, and that GTA IV’s protagonist pistol whipping a hooker is a mere blip on the radar next to the Crusades, David Koresh, and God himelf smiting/flooding the earth (as depicted in that ancient storybook.) But we’ll spare jezuzfreek777 the factual history lesson today and get to the real meaty stuff…

Remember when you brought your first girlfriend home (who am I kidding, this is a video game comedy site, just pretend with me here) and your parents did or said something that was infuriatingly embarrassing? Or remember when you were a kid and your parents wouldn’t let you stay up late or watch Sir Mix-a-lot videos on MTV? Be happy that those little moments of misery were tackled internally, within the confines of your household. You know, instead of being broadcasted on fucking Youtube for 80,000 people to point and laugh at. I’m sure the notion of jezuzfreek’s son not being able to play an M-rated game pales in comparison to the years of abuse he’ll get from his peers for having such a dickhead, webevangelist of a father publicizing his entire upbringing. If this kid wasn’t harboring any suicidal tendencies, paternal murder plans or brewing a full on maniacal killing spree, he is now.

So congrats on turning your child into a permanently damaged, self loathing social trainwreck who can’t go out in public without being bombarded by ridicule. Hope it was worth the Youtube “stardom.” Grand Theft Auto IV is available in stores now. And it’s pretty fucking awesome. So is science.

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